A worked example
One real "problem" slide, before and after.
Anonymized from a Series A teardown last quarter. Same founder, same data, same hour. Only the words and the order changed.
Before · what they sent
We empower mid-market finance teams to unlock their data and transform decision-making with AI-driven insights, delivering up to 40% improvement.
- Vague verb'Empower' / 'transform' / 'unlock' — partner skips. Replace with the literal action.
- Buried subjectWho is doing what to whom is hidden behind passive voice. Move the subject to the front.
- Stat without unit'40% improvement' — over what, measured how, against what baseline? A partner will ask. Pre-empt.
After · what we shipped
Mid-market FP&A teams close the books on spreadsheets. They miss the close date once a quarter. We replace the spreadsheet, and the last three customers cut close-time from 9 days to 5.
- Subject first"Mid-market FP&A teams" — partner knows who in five words.
- Concrete pain"Miss the close date once a quarter" — a CFO has felt this.
- Real proof"9 days to 5, last three customers" — verifiable, not aspirational.
Same idea both times. The second one survives a Monday partner meeting because the subject, the pain, and the proof can each be challenged on their own terms. That's the entire teardown, repeated for every slide.